The Blotted Line

“Response to what?” you might very well be asking.

On 9 April 2008 a fellow I shall refer to only as “Gaurav” wrote some fairly controversial statements about the humble protagonist of “The Blotted Line.” You can find these statements at the following address:

The Crazier Letters Blog – A Literary Snob’s View of Life
http://theemperoroficecream.blogspot.com/

I’ve been carefully thinking over the best way to respond. I could, for example, make snide comments about Gaurav’s inability to observe proper punctuation: pointing out his failure to include a mark of interrogation (?) after the rhetorical question in his article’s title, or the lack of hyphen in the phrase “Eve like” [sic]. I could put forward emotional appeals about his utter tactlessness in constructing metaphors about a certain dairy food he knows I cannot enjoy. I could respond in this manner, but I won’t. Doing so would only provide the petty, irrational response he expects.

Instead, I’m taking the High Road.

I would merely like to observe that I have never, and will never, set myself up in competitive opposition to Gaurav’s “blog”. My careful readers will have noted that my mandate is to produce a “non-material archive”. That Gaurav has failed to notice this mandate suggests either sloppy reading or utter disrespect for my deliberate and clever terminology. It also suggests that Gaurav does not understand the full implications of his own metaphor.

You see, Gaurav, as with cheese, a pretentious attitude and clever terminology is the only thing that separates the lofty writers from the, shall we say, less lofty? You make claims to pretentiousness, (as the above photograph which I nabbed from your Facebook suggests) but this is an art you clearly don’t understand. You can’t simply use an “academic” notation and expect to master the style: it’s a whole ensemble of academic features. Your Franklin quote, for example: where is your citation? How can we respect or trust you when even you seem unaware of your sources? Further, you show a painful disregard for the semi-colon; usage of this punctuation alone could increase your pretension three-fold; see? [i]

Next, your Milton quote: seriously, you’re using Milton to make a point about female immorality? How utterly mundane and expected. Where are your obscure references to medical pamphlets transcribed from EEBO?* I refuse to be convinced by any source so obvious.

While we’re on the subject, if you’re going to accept Milton’s argument that Eve is an inherently immoral temptress, that’s fine, but can we also note that Adam allows himself to be seduced “Against his better knowledge, not deceav’d”. Eve’s weakness and lack of knowledge is inherent, she can’t help herself; Adam actively acts the fool. [ii] So who, I ask, is responsible for the destruction of mankind?

In the spirit of High Roadness, however, I would like to end by pointing out that Gaurav is not, after all, a bad person. In fact, I quite like him. Moreover, he does possess many talents and/or uses. He is, as he so immodestly observed, rather good with computers. Also, I owe my entire knowledge of BSG* and LOST* to him. Finally, he is the one who encouraged me to write this non-material archive. So, in lieu of pointing out all of the absolutely glaring flaws in Gaurav’s article, I have decided to honour him with a weekly feature in my online archive: “Things for which Gaurav Is Useful”.[iii]

Remember, Gaurav, you are like Adam: you brought this upon yourself.

End Notes

[i] Did you know that Gaurav professes to hate semi-colons? Really though, he is just stealing from K. Vonnegut: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/apr/04/france.britishidentity

[ii] See OED “fond” a., and n2.: 2. Infatuated, foolish, silly. Since 16th c. the sense in literary use has been chiefly: Foolishly credulous or sanguine. In dialects the wider sense is still current. Cf. FONNED ppl. a.

[iii] I suppose as Gaurav is somewhat of a recurring feature in my life, it makes sense to have him a regular feature in my archive. No one else is getting a feature though. Unless you pay me.

10 April 2008 ~ St. Catharines

Glossary of Terms:

BSG (abbr): Battlestar Galactica. Television show with many characters I enjoy. Including Mark Shepherd who played the British lawyer Romo Lampkin in the last four episodes of season 3. Why isn’t he part of the main cast?

EEBO n. (abbr): Early English Books Online The bestest, most funnest database in town. But not literally, because it’s on the internet. If you have a Brock ID (or a lot of money to purchase access to it) you can check it out! EEBO: all the early English books, pamphlets, music, and woodcuts you never hoped existed!

LOST n. Television show with fewer characters I enjoy. Excepting Desmond. There should be more British actors in North American Television.